This account is from a 65-year-old who has spent nearly half a century prioritizing others — until she chose to prioritize herself.
The letter in her own words:
Hello !
I’m 65 and have been working since I was 17 — usually holding two jobs. My aspiration was always clear: retire, reduce my living space, and finally exhale without the mortgage.
My daughter is 34 and suffers from a significant chronic condition. She can’t handle a full-time job and finds it hard to afford housing and her medical care. Over the years, I’ve been there — from buying food to handling medical charges and car expenses. I never had second thoughts.
But when I shared my retirement plans with her, she wanted me to delay — “just a few additional years.”
So I could continue supporting her.
I declined.
She accused me of picking comfort over my own child.
To which I replied, “No. I’m opting for tranquility after 47 years of giving my all.”
I’m far from wealthy. I’ll only have enough to lead a simple life, potentially take a singular trip, and not fret about my own potential health issues.
I suggested we could explore aid programs together, or even relocate to be nearer, thus saving her expenses. But she ended our conversation abruptly and stopped speaking to me.
Then, last week, she appeared at my home, upset.
She stated, “If you ever become too elderly or frail, don’t look to me for help.”
I didn’t counter. I only said, “That seems just. Perhaps.”
She held her gaze for quite a while — and started shedding tears.
I’m uncertain if she realized it then, but it was the first instance I regarded her as an adult, not a child in need of saving.
Bogdana
We appreciate your letter, Bogdana!
Understanding the Psychology of Caregiving
Family experts say that long-term caregiving can lead to an unwritten emotional agreement: one provides endlessly, while the other takes — until saying “no” feels treacherous. But true emotional growth involves learning that boundaries are not rejection; they establish the parameters within which love thrives sustainably.
Parents often experience guilt when stepping back from financial or emotional aid. Yet psychological research indicates that encouraging dependency — even from a place of love — halts growth for everyone. Allowing adult children to tackle their own responsibilities can be the kindest action.
Helpful advice for those who care for others
If you’ve reached a point where you feel spent after giving so much, consider taking a break. It’s not too late to step back and assess what you also need. An open conversation about your boundaries isn’t harsh — it’s a form of care. Honest, kind communication can transform guilt into understanding, turning caregiving into a mutual, not one-sided, commitment.
Drawing lines doesn’t signify diminished love. It means preserving your health to remain present. Defending your well-being wards off fatigue, prevents growing resentment, and is mutually beneficial long-term. Remember — self-care is integral to caring for others.
If balancing these dynamics proves challenging, consulting with a counselor or caregiving expert may provide clarity. They offer strategies for maintaining calm communication and emotional resilience without compromising personal identity.
Consider these actions:
Address the habit, not the individual.
Instead of stating “You’re demanding,” try “We have developed a pattern I want to revisit for our mutual benefit.” Such an approach encourages understanding rather than accusations.
Clarify what assistance truly involves.
Supporting doesn’t have to be monetary. Emotional backing, paperwork guidance, or pointing towards helpful community services can be equally vital.
Accept guilt as part of your growth journey.
Initial guilt is natural — it underscores your empathy, not fault.
Showcase self-sufficiency.
Demonstrate to your adult child that prioritizing self-care and boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s essential life wisdom.
Seek neutral mediation.
A family counselor can assist in shifting “I won’t continue funding you” to “I trust in your ability to manage this.”
Choosing to say no after years of yes doesn’t equate to indifference — it signifies that you’re finally letting love mature.
